This is an odd post to write because I am basically trying to make a case for my life at this point and a) that is something no one should ‘ever’ have to do (I am so, so worn out and beaten down by life right now, but I will still glare you into the ground if you even dare say that those who are unable to work or can only work part-time or otherwise don’t meet your criteria for societal usefulness and acceptability don’t deserve to live and live without struggle) b) it is bizarrely, sickly funny to me because I’ve survived so long and through so much terrible stuff and it may be finally having gotten (mostly – life is complicated, yo) out that kills me. And you know what? Recent months may have trashed my mental health and gotten me closer to suicidal than I’ve ever been (which, knowing my backstory, since it’s, well, mine, is … well, it’s something), but I still freaking want to live. I just don’t have enough fight left in me and it’s a struggle to try to write this, both for how much it exposes me and for how hopeless the situation seems (also because I still have to try to muster the energy and focus to do my work, even though I may be … out of the picture in two weeks). Also because, regardless of how much fight I have in me, you can’t turn fight into dollars and that’s the only thing that can save my partner and I right now.
So, basically, we need help and need help fast. And Ami Angelwings of the awesome comic art critique and humour site Escher Girls has been so so helpful the past few months in signal boosting and promoting us as we tried to stay afloat in a rapidly degrading situation brought about by long-term unemployment (my partner) and being low-income and disabled (me), but she’s finally tapped out in terms of finding people who haven’t already donated and I really don’t have any other avenues available to me. All I can do is take the risk of writing this post and then ask people I know much less well than Ami to share it and hope it spreads from there and actually works. [read more cut to try to make this seem less terrifyingly long, although I am already posting it on my site, not on Tumblr, for that reason]
I’ve already written about circumstances here if people want more details, but, to be brief, my partner and I need to get in at least $200 dollars by the end of the month or we’ll be out on the street. Or, in my case, begging my way back into a situation I was finally free of (for the most part – again, complicated) … which I honestly don’t know if it would work and if it would … I would not be able to handle it. And that’s all I’ll say on that matter, other than that I have very personal reasons for loving how Gail Simone handled disability, family, and abuse in writing Christopher/Burden and his backstory for her too-short-lived comic The Movement. And that my very avid nodding at reading meta from Transformers fans connecting and comparing the Decepticon Justice Division’s and the Autobots’ New Institute’s ways of punishment comes from a deep, personal understanding of those dynamics on an interpersonal, instead of a governmental, level. Especially the New Institute one where purity and goodness and having not done wrong are based on not having caused physical damage. And the mindset/justification that you just need to be guided to the right way of thinking and helped to be good yourself.
But, I’m not here to write meta, even if I’m writing a personal, narrative post (because my regular donation posts are just not working anymore and I goshdarn do ‘not’ want to die), so on with what we need and why. Although, you fans making those connections, good work. You’re onto something important and revelatory about the “good guys” of the Cybertronian civil war there. And about how and why Megatron could have come to create a group like the DJD. And, also, if Gail Simone reads this, thank you for issue #11 of The Movement and for letting Christopher find someone(s) and somewhere he is safe. That meant, and still means, the world to me.
Anyways, I need to stop getting teary and try to tune the pain in my back out (increasingly few calories and poorer and poorer nutrition don’t do chronic pain or anything else disability related any favours) and get on with this so I can post it, cold ask a few people I don’t really know and feel terrible for asking to promote it, and then get the heck out of the apartment and away from social media for a while so I can hopefully avoid having an anxiety-related meltdown while waiting to see if anyone will help or if this really is the end. In which case, it won’t really matter how many spoons and how much time I’ve spent tacking myself together enough to be able to write this post and then on the writing itself instead of spending them on my normal writing or my “proper” job.
But, I do not want that to be the case, so I’m writing this, with more feeling and more revealing than I really want, and then heading out the door to give myself space and distraction and also so I can mail out the check for the double power bill to buy us a little more time to raise funds. And, honestly, we need more than $200 to actually survive. That amount is if we spend nothing more on ‘anything’ between now and December 1st (the latest day the rent can be paid) and that honestly isn’t realistic. Even running mostly on potatoes and determination, we’d still at least need more potatoes and some non-food items and … I really want to do a real grocery trip again and not have the grocery store be a stressful mess of trying not to spend anything while also needing to get ‘something’. And it is just getting harder and harder to function, both physically and mentally, because my system isn’t getting what it needs and I’m tired of my thought processes feeling like trudging through heavy snow or tar and of migraines and bad joint pains and vision issues flaring up more and more often and biting into my work hours (and into my ability to even just take the hit and rest instead because I can’t even treat them with pain meds and food and drink to make them tolerable enough to rest through) and making me feel even more like I ‘am’ being punished and ‘am’ worthless for not being some paragon of productivity and able-bodied-ness and neurotypicality and I ‘hate’ that.
So, I’ve wandered off again, but, basically, ‘if’ my partner gets the (part-time) job with my employer he’s been dealing with the hiring process for for weeks (while still applying anywhere and everywhere on top of that), a lot of the month has already ticked by and, like me, he would only get paid on probably the 10th of December for any work hours put in this month. ‘And’ the only bills that will have been tended to this month are the doubled internet and power bills, which were doubled because we had to let both float last month in order to have some level of food to eat and otherwise cope with non-bill expenses. Which leaves the combined auto/renter’s insurance (one month’s payment of $130 or $160, since they can’t decide what they’re doing), which will be doubled and due with threat of cancellation next month if nothing is done about it, and the car loan, which has $500-something in back payments on it and needs some kind of payment to get into it to at least put off doom and buy needed time for financial recovery and catching up on payments. There is also the matter of food, for which we haven’t done a proper shopping trip for the entire month, and of other expenses like gas for the car and toiletries (a lot of personal care products basically leave me wanting to rip my own flesh off, so I’ve been watching my soap and deodorant and shampoo tick down towards gone with some distress …. and also anger at myself and my body for being so sensitive).
And, really, we just need a heck of a lot of help and I don’t even know if we’ll get enough to keep us off the street, so I’ll just drop the relevant donation info below and (try to) hope for the best and for getting really, incredibly lucky.
So, without anymore ado and pained, struggling rambling, if you’ve gotten this far in reading and can and want to help out, the biggest and most grateful of thank yous and the methods to get donations to us are:
PayPal: the e-mail address is ittousagi@hotmail com (works internationally, but might bump into send/receive limits, since my partner only has a Bluebird account, not a “real” banking account, due to the damage caused by long-term unemployment)
Venmo: venmo.com/capesandwhips (preferable, since it has no send/receive limits and doesn’t require anyone’s legal/”real” name, but only has full functionality in the United States)
And I think that’s it for me, at least in terms of trying to write something and write something whatever adjective enough to get us the help we need. So here’s hoping I get to be around for my favourite month and holiday of the year and that my partner and I can spend December working on financially (and physically. and mentally) recovering and on celebrating the season (plus navigating the complexity that is family around the holidays, for which I have all the gentle fistbumps and hugs of solidarity for everyone else for whom all the pressure and talk about home for the holidays and spending time with loved ones is fraught and painful and difficult).